Should gay couples have kids? Should any of us?

Posted by Samantha on March 16, 2015 in Relationships |
I love her....and yet....sometimes I wound her deeply

I love her….and yet….sometimes I wound her deeply

Courtney Love has tweeted she wants to burn her Dolce & Gabbana clothes because of the “senseless bigotry” of Stefano Gabbano’s beliefs that a child needs a mother and a father; that he could not imagine his childhood without his mother.

I feel for Courtney Love: a woman whose own daughter has had to somehow integrate the suicide of her father when she was only an infant.  A woman who (I’m guessing, based on her immoderate over-reaction to the Elton John / Dolce & Gabbana dispute) is working hard to deny the impact of her and her late-husband’s historical drug and alcohol abuse on their daughter.

Elton John (a man not well known for moderate reactions) is understandably offended by Stefano Gabbana’s comments, though I do not believe the comments are inherently offensive.  They seem to have gone right to the core of Elton John’s insecurities.  He is hardly unique in wondering if he is a good enough parent; in secretly worrying that he might – at least on occasion – be doing a terrible job.

There is hardly a parent out there who will not deeply wound their own precious child over the course of their childhood; just as there is not an adult child out there who has not been wounded by their own parents.

When this wisdom about the nature of the parent / child relationship is treated without compassion we get attitudes like those exemplified by Oliver James’ famous book title “They F**k You Up”.  Or what I’ve now heard referred to as “parent-blame”.  Parent-blame is a sad blight on the life of the modern family.

But perhaps even more achingly sad is how parents struggle to keep at bay, the painful awareness of how their choices (or their powerlessness over their choices) wound their children.

Whether it’s your work, your hobbies, a divorce, infidelity, chronic arguments, a tendency to criticism and negativity, depression or other mental illness, a physical illness, the illness of another one of your children, your children are hurt by these things; sometimes deeply.

It goes without saying that being the offspring of Elton John and David Furnish will bring unique advantages.  It also has the potential to bring unique pain.  Will the deepest cuts be because Elton John’s children have two Dads?  The truth is that we have no idea.  But in a world where bullying can happen as a result of the slightest sign of difference, I would say it’s not difficult to imagine that it isn’t always easy to have two gay parents.

I don’t think that should be a controversial statement.

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